Undue silence

It’s been “objectively” quiet since around December 2020. I’m usually all for words, but I’m not sure how to explain it. I don’t think I can, but most importantly as someone once used to say – “you won’t shut up”, both ironically and unironically, I think more than myself had unconsciously appealed to that sentiment. Although I’m guessing the size of this post might provoke laughter for the aforementioned claim.

Perhaps tangential relevance might be infer-able from a new installment in the guidebook series, planned for release in April. This book deals with a non-technical, human context – effects of substances on one’s mind, and “workable” plans for some form of restoration.

On textbook citation #6

In any case, I’m not sure entirely sure why now, but I’d like to word my indebted gratitude for people who were with me during redeeming times. I recently received my 6th commercial textbook citation for my most-cited paper “Bitcoin mining acceleration and performance quantification”. I’d want to make mention that I’m thankful for those who sat by me during times in which nothing about me carried value of demonstrated or implied nature. The idea behind the paper first came to me while having dinner at Forum mall, Chennai. I spent most of my time in that mall, alone. Loved ones know of these circumstances and more. It was a troubling time – but, I’m thankful for having been listened to, given company and encouraged, while I softly made mention of the possibility of writing a new paper, amidst times of turmoil which should have rendered everything else moot – I was spoken to with words of support. I am thankful for the support. These papers would eventually be my only redeeming route, right after when “there was nothing left to believe in”, back in ’14 – loved ones know what I’m referring to.

On textook citation #7

I received my first textbook citation for a paper other than the Bitcoin one – my second ever, and first IEEE paper – “Usage of botnets for high speed MD5 cracking”. This directly stems from my Final Year Project during my undergrad, just as things took “that” major fall in my life (that loved ones know of). On a parallel note: I know Iffat wanted to write the paper with me. It makes me wonder whether we’d have ever imagined our work making it to a textbook 9 years from then. We were kids. I know she’d be proud. I know she was capable. Loved ones know of her life’s end in 2013. Not because she’s gone, but I know she’s someone I’d have been able to call no matter what or when.

This got me thinking about my last publication (at UF). I do not find myself being capable of writing to my heart’s content, but this citation was the primary prompt behind this entire post – As I got news of these 2 citations, it worked in me an aching sensation. I realized that there remained no first-degree people (who are either dead or not still in touch as much) who related to the inception of the paper in question which made textbook citation#7.

Following this realization, I found myself rushing to UF-times, when I had last published. I don’t know how to put it right, but … the people, the escape, the setting, the person… I find it unsettling to get to value certain rewards /rewarding times without their initial or legacy investors – so unsettling to the point, I feel nulled. I “overdosed” on art in the last 2 years, hoping to work an “escape route” through it. I am thankful for the shifting skill (which, I think strangely now sees me more a painter than a 3D designer), though at the end of the day, that same “null” feeling takes over when realizing that the order-of-magnitude change in skill, doesn’t feel the same as when being able to celebrate things together with people when things were simpler and still little. It’s never been about the audience in front of (my) art (forms), for me, it’s always been the ability to celebrate the final product (of anything) alongside part-takers behind my art; people on “the same team”.

……. “The same team” has been a while. It’s honestly very, very quiet. It’s almost like the silence sometimes grows louder at times like these – you can’t hear anything else but resounding silence.